You do what you ought to

My day started with cramps... bad cramps... it lasted till about evening before the pain subsided by half. Maybe it's the medicine that's finally working.

Went to attend a funeral wake with the CG in the evening. Somewhere in the midst of the pastor's sharing, I felt a tinge of incompetency in my heart. Well, it wasn't what the pastor was sharing that made me feel this way. In fact, i was half-hibernating and not listening(oops!).... But I was feeling somehow down. And i tried to talked myself out of it... "Von, it's one of your cycles of feeling low again. Be cool. Dun take it too seriously." Haha.. That's what you become capable of after being a CGL for so long. Haha.

Anyway, my night didn't end with just myself encouraging myself. After the memorial svc, we sticked around for another hour. Laughing and joking. And seeing a gentle side of Tim playing with his baby cousin. The sight is so sweet. So charming... We had never seen that part of him. Tim seems to have grown up even more over the last 2 wks. Haha.

Then Dennis shared 2 testimonies with us. Very encouraging. At least, for me it's uplifting in the spirit. Then Kianyong also shared a testimony. Hearing all these and seeing that they have grown up and broken through so much, i suddenly felt encouraged in my spirit. It feels good.

We left the wake for the public transport back home. While waiting at the bus-stop, Jackie returned a book, Our Holy Calling (written by Ulf Ekman). I haven't read it since i bought it 2wks ago. I read the intro of the book while on the bus back.

It left an imprint: "Our calling is not about ourselves".

My position as a CGL is not about my calling. It's never about myself. It's about the people, the church and its calling.

When you are young, you do whatever you want and desire. But now that you are old...

once again, back to 7 years ago...

The emotions stirred... It's back to 7 yrs ago again.

In the service, as Pst Ulf spoke and ministered, I was brought back to that incident again. Tears welled up in my eyes and came tingling down my cheeks eventually. I was left so broken and destroyed. My dreams, my vision, my abilities, my calling. Whose voice have I been hearing all these while?

The bible says, your gifts and calling are irrevocable. Do you hear it? Do you believe in it?

Why are u down, flat on the ground? Crushed. Whose voice are you hearing?

Again and again, I have forgiven. I have lifted it up to God. I have. I reali had done it many times. I dun hate the ones involved. But yet the words haunted me again and again. I am afraid. I had ran away from myself. I have lost my strength. I stopped at wherever and remained there. Where do I go from here? I had sunk into the pitch dark depression.

I was left broken and crushed. Feels so real, even now.

"He left Judea and departed again to Galilee. But He needed to go through Samaria."
- Jn 4:3-4

He did it for that one woman. He will do it for you. He will rescue you.

Surely, my gifts and calling are irrevocable...