IMAGINE

Frankly, it's still affecting. I am just trying to minimize the effect on others, but not on me. It's affecting a lot and it's not like what others can do to make me feel better or to get over it. It's just hurting like crazy. Churning inside my stomach every now and then.

I need to get over it. I need to imagine something better. I am trying to but circumstances dun seem to give me the space to. It's not other pp's fault, it's just my own.

There are times when I just wanna blame it on those that seemingly try to be concerned and caused me to be in such a big mess. My mind's imagination criticizes and condemns me in all sorts of scenario over and over again. O how can I get over it?

IMAGINE. Just imagine the right things.

Bored

I'm just very bored at this moment. 

Chatted on MSN. Checked the facebook. Checked the blogs. 

There seems to be a lot of things not done but I have no mood to get down to do it.

Lost appetite for food. A few pp told me I lost weight. I think I reali did. But it's probably only at max 1kg?! Does that really make such a difference visually. Haha.

I just have no appetite to eat and I actually forced myself to get those food into my mouth. Erks. I feel like vomiting just to think of it. Erks!

Anyway, I am simply too bored so just wanna type some stuff to get my mind off the yucky feeling I have right now. Hey, I am alright. Don't worry about me.

Sometimes, I wonder... When King david wrote those stuff about his discouragements, anger and failures, how did the pp ard him react? 

He is so brave.

Prayed. Heard. More Prayers.

Prayed for direction. Went CG. Went somewhere else. 

Prayed for someone. Got a sms. Got a hint.

Many thoughts. More prayers.

Slept alot today

I woke up only at 1230pm today. Woo! What a piggy-good-sleep! :D

Well, just to make my conscience feel better, I attempted to go jogging. But both Vic and I walked only to the 5th storey and it started to rain! So we gotta retreat to our cozy habitat and I went back to sleep again till the cousin-gang came in the evening. Or rather much after they came then I woke up. Good sleep good sleep. ;P

Kinda in a sleepy and lazy mood to do anything at all. But still it was rather amusing that in this season of Olympics, we were all talking abt sports in front of the TV. All the "wah, very fast! World no. 1 就是 world no. 1." And I was really wondering, how in the world did they manage to remember all those people's names?! And it's all the different sports for goodness. Soccer, Volleyball, Swimming, Gymnastics... Aiyo... I couldn't even remember my own friends' names sometimes. HAHA! Ok, that's exaggerating a little. But my mind do "jam" a little when it comes to names many times. :)

Anyway, I was happy going CGMs on Thu and Fri even though I was really emotionally drained and didn't feel like leading CGMs at all. But the moment I met them, I felt lifted off my burdens. It wasn't that we had exceptionally good CGMs. It's just that I am happy to meet them. Just happy. :)

I like this 2 photos taken during CG fellowship on Thu. So cute... Haha. Feel so happy just looking at it. HA!

Chatted with Peng on MSN earlier on. She was also so bored that she's actually at Holland V BK wasting her time away online. Haha. I shared with her a little. And I thk I seldom "feel" so weak to her. Anyway, I wasn't exaggerating my emotions. I felt so sad even just sharing with her. Tears welled up as I typed. I need to pray.

O ya. I tot of smthg that I didn't blog some time ago. Everyone know that I love potato chips and even tho Vic always said that I eat one packet per day, I wouldn't agree with the wrong facts. :) Anyway, usually, I will try my best to open a packet with my bare hands in a standard way that I always insist on. Yes, even if it means I take longer to do it, I will still try all ways to open it with my bare hands. So there was this day, I did smthg unusual. I took a pair scissors to cut open the packet. And just as I was doing that, it's almost like the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "Isn't that alot easier?" I stood there smiling at myself. And munching away my chips, I tot, "Yah, alot better. Hmmm... But why was I so adamant about it?" 

Yah, why am I so adamant about things sometimes? I wonder. I am trying to change. But still, easier doesn't necessarily mean better. Some internal disputes of the mind.

A change that demands a decision and a commitment that's not the same as the usual and familiar. Hard to explain.

Jesus. I love you. A little tune went on in my mind.

It's time to sleep again.

热豆花

“小姐没有热的豆花。烧的有。” - This was what I was told when ordering 豆花.

So hilarious. It's supposed to be 热 not 烧!! I was so amused by it. Haha.

Anyway, yestrdy we were at the Dawn's dad's funeral service. As we hear the sharing of the Word from Pst Tan and Dawn's Eulogy, many of us became teary. Stirred with emotions. I'm sure for us, it's just another stirring in our emotions by words we hear, the pain we felt in the emotions displayed by the family. But for those that were really living life with him and the family, it's certainly more than just an emotional time.

I remember that one day I dreamt that my mum had an accident and she passed away without knowing Christ. I stood in between my living room and my kitchen for a long time. And pain gripped my heart. I felt like crying. I was lost for words. Dun even know how to describe it. When I finally regained my composure, I started praying for my mum. And made greater effort in spending time with her to talk to her every time I go back to my parents' place. Thank God she had accepted Christ and is now very ON for God in her church. I was and still am really really very happy.

When one is saved, truly the whole household shall be saved. Thank You, Jesus!

Transparent?

Ya. Wonder why? I was wondering why too...

Went to have high tea with Xiang, Roy and Wenling this afternoon. So "tai-tai", except for the presence of a male counterpart, Roy. Haha. 

Roy said my blog is so "TRANSPARENT" and he seemed rather amused or shld I say amazed by it. But I felt aroused by that comment that I bothered to think of it while on the way home. 

I don't think I always sounded negative leh. And I definitely don't "scold" pp on my blog right. I also dunno what he was trying to say. I thk maybe it's cos I openly share my thoughts bah. And I hope I certainly have not stumbled anyone here. 

You aren't right? 

Hmmm... I am not weird right? Haiz. But blog is blog about yourself right? Aiyo...

Anyway, the main reason why I blog is bcos, I'm a rather short-term memory person. I forget things all the time. And it seems that there is this "disk-defragmenter" or disk-cleaner" that will run in my mind automatically everyday to clear space for other input. Ha! So I better blog it down before I forget. And I am serious, not joking. I reali forget stuff too easily.

As I am in the midst of reading this book, P.S. I Love You, I felt all the more the need to blog down my memories. Felt alot as I read and it seems I'm beginning to love to read... My mind was just so engaged into the story and development that sometimes I would smile to myself or even frown as I read. Sometimes, it's like I wondered off to Ireland into the story. Maybe, I'm Sharon, Holly's good friend. Or I am Holly, whom the story revolves around, abt her coping with the loss of her husband.

Oops sorry. I just like the story too much, that I am wondering off to talk abt it. But it just makes me feel like I needed to remember the memories. Many times, I would imagine if I woke up to a Singapore that has no vehicle, no other pp ard except myself, what would it be like? Maybe I will feel excited about being able to walk AMK Ave 1 without worrying the on-coming vehicles. I can take my time to walk the streets in Orchard and nobody to bother me for deadlines that I have not met. No phone calls. Nobody. But that would be so scary. And what would I remember abt my dear husband, my family and my friends? I would miss the display of their absurd personality and deafening laughters.

Sometimes, I will imagine if Vic is not around anymore, what would I remember about our times together. I am seriously hopeless in remembering stuff. I don't remember any details of any show we watched together before. I don't remember where we had been to before when we were dating. I don't remember which restaurant we went to before he proposed to me. I hardly remember much. That would send a chill down my spine. So scary. It's definitely not bcos I love him little. Well, blame it on that "disk-defragmenter" and the "disk-cleaner" that were installed in me somewhere along the line. HAHA.

Well, that is why I love to blog abt Vic (especially Vic), my family and my friends. I love them and I want to remember the good times we spent together, the grieving moments we had and the sacrifices we've all made for God and this House. 

I wish I have photographic memory to remember everything all the time.

Am I transparent? I hope I can be more transparent actually. :)

I had an interesting dream this morning

This morning, I woke up because of an interesting dream. Read on ...

____

We were all seated in canteen, at tables and benches just like what you have in primary and secondary schools. Different groups of us are in the midst of some forms of discussion over our meals. The group of people I was seated with was discussing about the calling of God.

"Haha. Yvonne, you look like a legal aid tat earns alot of money rather than a secretary. "

"Well, it's for the ministry that i'm willing to sacrifice. If i'm reali a legal aid outside then probably i wont be working as hard. Haha." 

I stood up and was preparing to leave. And Dawn passing lixia white tic-tac sweets thru me. ;P

From a few tables away, pauline stood up and said: "Yvonne, your recent post on success has caused a discussion here." A lady at that same table stood up, and she was 曾晓英. She went on to say:“如果说“失败乃成功之母”，比喻成生意，那这生意是不是妈妈谈成了，女儿就谈不成了？女儿谈成了，妈妈就失败了呢？"

(I have no idea why all these pp are in my dreams especially 曾晓英?!! Goodness. I don't even see her on TV.)

Anyway, I was challenged with that question about the saying "失败乃成功之母" and how it's contradictory on success. So all eyes were on me. And the question just kept repeating on my mind. And I woke up with this question! urgh... disturbed sleep again... So I was trying to make myself go back to sleep. But the question was still bugging me. So this time, i really woke up and seriously thought about the question. And 3 passages came to my mind.

Matt 10:35-39

For I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law'; and 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household.' He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me... And he who does not take his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Matt 12:46,50

While He was still talking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers stood outside. seeking to speak with Him... For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother."

Matt 15:4-7

"For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and, 'He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death.' But you say,'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God"--'then he need not honor his father or mother.' Thus you have made the commandment of God of no effect by your tradition. "Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you, saying:'These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.'"

I dunno what came to your mind when you read the 3 passages but to me it was very very clear...

If success is represented by "your mother and brother", then the passage tells us that if our predecessor of success has LIMITED us more than it encouraged us to be successful in our ministry then we are missing out on one very simple fact. We are missing out on the fact that it is GOD we are serving, and the Kingdom of God that we are trying to expand.

Many times, as we grow in ministry, we become limited exactly by the ones that made us successful. Bcos we feel we "owed" them our success and we become afraid to move forward further than them. And these considerations are very understandable. But Jesus says we gotta take up our own cross to follow Him. The calling that He has given us is irrevocable. Your friend will not achieve his calling just because u give up yours. And vice versa. So everyone of us is RESPONSIBLE in taking up our own cross to follow Jesus and bring that vision and calling to pass.

Now, don't get me wrong now... No matter how much more achieved we have become, we got to always remember to HONOR our predecessors of faith. The ones that had made things possible for us. The ones that had shaped and moulded us in our growing up years. If we think we have achieved far more and have this attitude that you have surpassed them and there is no need for you to honor them, bcos it is God's gift and your own hard work, the bible says Jesus calls you hypocrites and that you have worship Him in vain.

An apt example: Pastor Kong. It's Canon James Wong's 50th year in the ministry. Now he's old, and not many of the younger generation knows about what he has done for the Christian world in Singapore. Yet, in many ways, Pastor Kong has chosen to honor this predecessor of faith. There was also a time when Canon laid down his life for the conviction and the calling of God in his life. The many sacrifices he made that brought revival and changes. All these had not limited Pastor Kong from moving on and responding to the calling that God has given him. But he's always honoring this man of God that have aged. I feel so honored to have such a great man as our senior Pastor. I'm so moved in my heart.

We have to do everything we can to fulfill that purpose and calling that God has given us. Be it in the marketplace or in the ministry, we got do our best for God and the KOG. But dun forget to look back at all those that have made it possible for you to be where you are today and where you will be in the days to come. Be a grateful and honoring person.

So with this, I also want to thank Pastor Yock Kiang for being such a wonderful leader. Today, as I prayed for you, I was in tears. I remembered the times when I failed, you were there to forgive and restore me. The times when you had chosen to give me the space I needed to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually, instead of just "making" me change. I can't ask for a better leader than you. Just like what you have told me almost 10yrs ago, you are not just my leader, you are my friend and my brother. These 10yrs had shown me that you are, reali indeed, my brother and not just a Pastor, a boss or an authority over me. Thank you very much, Pastor. I really appreciate every chance you had given me. Thank you very much.

God is All-Knowing

After the Saturday's blog post on how terrible I felt, I think I better quickly overwrite that post. Haha. Cos reali it was at that point or that hour I felt terrible because of the cab ride to expo. I reali felt like crying at that point. Especially, when you simply didn't want to explain the misery anymore. But I know everyone of them cared. Thanks.

Anyway, I want to write on something happy. Haha. Yeah...

On Saturday night, after I returned home, I was working on something and received a piece of news/info. It was sort of a prayer answered. In fact, I just prayed on Wednesday. 

On Wednesday, I was on MC and feeling terrible. So I decided to spend time praying and worshipping. During the time, I was led to pray on something, which I don't think it is time to share, and it just went on to almost 2hrs. Wow. So, on Saturday, someone told me something and I was AMAZED at the goodness of God. What a timely prayer answered to encourage me that God has heard my prayers and so He will answer the other prayers that I have also made. PTL.

Today, I was keeping myself occupied to fight my tiredness and frustrations. So I was stuck on working on something and beginning to feel reali impatient. So to cool myself a little, I took a toilet break and like uttered a "prayer" in my mind. And almost immediately, like a light bulb that lit up, "You can actually do this."  WOW. I didn't know if it would reali work, but I felt like an "ERMP!" in the spirit. Came out of the toilet and tried it and it WORKED!!!!!! O God is so good... And I just felt so HAPPY bcos of smthg so "small?" 

Our God is reali ALL-KNOWING! 

God is good. Just have a simple faith in Him.

In the midst of it all

When chaos and troubles are going on... Some thoughts crossed my mind as i calmed my heart, praying to Him who hears and comforts.

"God, you are still good. Greater are You who is in me than what is happening on the outside of me." Sobbing and groaning. Still trying to take a hold of myself.

"It is times like this when you came to Me that you had built strength in your character." I heard that in my heart and i stopped sobbing.

Many flashbacks of those times when I went to Him in prayers, still crying and weeping, calming my heart and mind. The decisions and the prayers I had made. The sweetness and strength that came out of it.

Strong character is built in the midst of troubles and trials.

The point is the kind of character you are building on.

You are as strong as what you have chosen to build in your character. Nobody dictates your life. 

When you are knocked down, defeated, or weary, it's that character, that substance, you have chosen previously or even right now, that will pick you up to carry on or keep you down.

Faith is a substance of things hope for, the evidence of things not seen. 

I will be who I am called to be because of that substance of character.

Imagination stirs and motivates.

Character stands and moves. Paradox?

Separate

On MC today. Physically, very tired. Woke up and within seconds would fall back into sleep. Like not within my control to wake up kind of a thing. And I knew I was reali reali very tired. So went to see doc jus to take MC. The doc knows that when I'm off Thyroxine this will happen so he kindly gave me 2 days MC. If I still feel this way tmr, I will even be taking urgent leave on Fri. But I will be fine by next Thu/Fri. PTL. :)

Yesterday, we had leaders' mtg again. The mtg started as usual with worship and then praying. As we were praying loud and strong in the spirit, I just felt that God spoke into my heart, "Do not strife with Me." I don't know if it sounded correct but yielded. I prayed softly but still engaging in the spirit. And began wondering what was God trying to say to me. And as that word kept repeating in my mind, tears just welled up. In my mind, I didn't quite understand. But in my spirit, I felt God was doing a work. After praying in the spirit for quite some time, I looked into the Bible in my HP. And it was brought to my attention on Abram and Lot.

Abram said to Lot, "Please let there be no strife between you and me, and between my herdsmen and your herdsmen; for we are brethren. Is not the whole land before you? Please separate from me. If you take the left, then I will go to the right; or, if you go to the right, then I will go to the left." - Gen 13:8-9

As I read the verses, the words just burnt within my heart. "no strife between you and me... for we are brethren... separate from me."

Abram had referred to Lot as his brethren. He wasn't referring to brethren as an enemy nor an evil companion. Lot was a brethren to him. But yet, he asked that Lot be separated from him.

There are many things in our lives that are considered "our brethren", good things, desires and interests. But yet these things can strife within us for the place of the purpose of God in our lives. And if we are to step into that purpose and the promise of God, we got to learn to SEPARATE from those good things in our lives. Being separated from the bad is not good enough. In lives, there are choices that bring us from bad to good, from good to progress, progress to excellence. That little more in our separation work determines where we will go on to or stay.

It goes deep down to, "What do you really want in your life?"

If you really want success in your life, you got to learn to make choices to not just circumcise yourself from the bad, but even from the good. :)

Then I went to another verse.

You have brought a vine out of Egypt; You have cast out the nations, and planted it. You prepared room for it, and caused it to take deep root, and it filled the land. - Ps 80:8-9

Some people think that they are useless and worthless before they came to Christ. But yet the Bible says that God has brought a VINE, a potential of growth and value, out of our sins.

God had done the "casting out" work, planted us, prepared for us, empowered us. Now, it's in our hands to fill the land the potentials in this vine. 

There are truly many good things our lives that we have. But if we are dreaming of success, something greater than ourselves, we got to discipline ourselves and separate ourselves from even the good things that will hinder us in going onto excellence. It's a circumcision work.

What do you do with the excess time that you have in the morning or at night?

- Read to gain knowledge?
- Or nap, when you are already having more than 7hours of sleep?

- Sign up for a course to expand yourself?
- Or be a couch-potato in front of the TV for nites?

- How about waking early to exercise for the Temple of the Holy Spirit?
- Or just too tired from yesterday's late night online games and movie?

- What about going to office/school earlier to pray for your colleagues and friends?
- Or revival is just a sound-nice desire to you?

We are not poor. We have the currency, "Time", to learn and expand.

We are not weak. We have the strength, "The power of the Holy Spirit", to execute what God has put into our hearts before the foundation of the earth.

What do you really want in life? C'mon, do something with what you already have.

 

Feeling more and more tired

This morning started bad for me. Very tired. Didn't sleep well last night and sort of find it hard to wake up. Woke up at 6am with nightmares and I was having numbness no matter which position i tried to sleep. Then I "huang ran da wu" that I didn't take my calcium pills. 

The calcium pills are supposed to regulate the calcium level in my blood which affects my heart. So that also explains why there are nightmares. Scientist explains that if you put pressures on your heart you will tend to have more dreams and probably nightmares. So nowadays when I have nightmares or can't sleep well, I will think of my calcium intake.

Ok. Then there was something else that made me rather down. Shall not share it here. Anyway, I just want to believe that it's cos of I stopped Thyroxine that has caused me to feel especially down and affected. But I was reali fuming and saddened by it. What a way to start a busy Tuesday. 

No mood for anything. So thought that i should just blog it to get it off my heart and mind. God is a good God. Moreover, Kless blogged that God reads blog! Haha. So God, pls let your joy be my strength. Amen.

Let's have a lesson on Venn Diagram. :)

Was in an MRT on Friday and saw something which set me thinking about Venn Diagrams... 

So let's have a lesson on Venn Diagram. :)

Black = bad attitudes, wrongdoings, weaknesses, lying, sins etc.

White = good attitudes, good deeds, strengths, righteousness, etc.

Each pictures depicts the heart of a person.

Pic 1 - What do you conclude on the heart of this person?

Pic 2 - What do you conclude on the heart of this person?

Is he better than the heart of in Pic 1?

Pic 3 - What do you conclude on this?

Better than the 1st and 2nd?

Pic 4 - What do you conclude on this?

In Pic 1, I put you into a perspective and you were made to conclude in a certain manner on this person. And then in Pic 2, Pic 3. Finally, Pic 4. But in actual fact, Pic 1 - 3 are just part of Pic 4. (I hope you are still following. Ha.) It's all about the same person but yet in different perspectives.

When we were in school, we were taught that when looking at the Venn Diagram or drawings, it has got to do with perspectives. Very sadly, many times, we don't apply that into our ministry to people. We judge people based on the little that we know from our perspective.

We draw a conclusion on that person before we actually gave him enough time and chances to be changed by God. We look at their lying habits and conclude in our hearts that we should keep a distance. We look at one that is in frustrations and angry all the time, and conclude that there is something wrong with his attitudes and probably gossip about it to everyone else. We look at one that is struggling in lust and gambling ways, and we conclude that he is just a sinful man and a disappointment. Our judgmental list just goes on. Striking each one off our list of "worthy" Christians.

Has anyone wondered why they are like that? What had happened on the inside of them?

Jesus says He did not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Are we playing too much religious games that we have forgotten that Jesus came exactly to seek and save the lost? Have you forgotten that you were also once in that same list before someone imagined and thought about you and believe that all things are possible in Christ for you.

My standard has never been lowered about commitment toward God. 

But let's not forget that in the midst of us achieving our ambitious revival, we know we are making a difference in real souls that Jesus has come exactly to seek and save. 

Render mercy to those in need of mercy.

Rom 15:1 (MSG)

Those of us who are strong and able in the faith need to step in and lend a hand to those who falter, and not just do what is convenient for us.

Strength is for service, not status.

2 dreams

Yesterday night, I had nightmares. Woke up twice. In the dream, I was on the way home in a cab alone and I couldn't get hold of Vic. Well, quite old-tale... I was driven to a deserted place by the ill-intentioned driver. Of cos, I was awakened by the malicious (do you use this word like this?) advances of the driver in the dream. I wasn't crying or really scared by it. Just that when I woke up I was very sian that I had disturbed sleep. Went back to sleep and I think I dreamt on the same thing again or similar and woke up again. 

But the good thing is after I prayed and went back to sleep, I dreamt of something very good! I dreamt that we were having church service in a VERY VERY HUGE HALL. It's similar to Hall 8 as in there are terraces by the sides encircling the entire hall. We left our bags at our seats and we went to hang around in the front portion of the hall talking to Pastor YK and some leaders. Then we realized that the ushers were clearing the floor area seats and putting our bags at the terraces. Just by walking from the front to where our seats were, it was a long long distance. A bit kua zhang. Anyway, the hall was filled with people and I especially remembered the many ushers stacking up the chairs on the floor area. So many of them. Fast and 'furious'? Haha.

Sometimes, in real life, we have 2 dreams as well. 1 dream that is fulfilled by our fears and apprehensions. And another dream that is achieved by our faith. Alot of times, we are held back by the fear of the future and the fear of failures. Yet, in our wildest imagination, we audaciously dream to achieve those great things in life. 

Which do you focus on? The fear that you may lose what you already have? Or the faith to achieve what you have always desired within?

Some dreamt to do business and become rich. While others put you down for being so money-minded. But didn't the bible says that it is His desire to PROSPER us. 

Some desired to be in the top professions such as doctor, lawyer & politician, and become well known and influential. While others sneered at you for being so concerned about fame and recognition. But didn't the bible says that we are to go into ALL THE WORLD to preach the gospel and being an INFLUENCE to the influentials.

Some long to have great beauty and a wonderful body. And others joked about your longing to becoming the next Ms. Universe or Mr. Hunk. But the bible says that even the priests were dressed in robes with gold, silver and bronze, adorned in the beauty of the "worldly" possessions. 

It all depends on how you view your dream. Bigger dreams demand greater commitments and draw greater challenges. Be encouraged when you find great challenges in your life. You were truly made for a great future.

Don't back down.

Remembering Him

Today is Easter. Sat in the service and felt the love of Jesus, so great.

It's not just a season to win the lost. It's the day to remember how we were saved by Him.

Thank you.

Burdened

Just had dinner with Roy, Xiang & Wenling. Throughout I was distracted and burdened. I guess that's why I behaved uninterested. But reali I was very burdened.

If only... I could "fast-forward" you to what it would be 10 yrs down the road to see what your choices would land you in... 

If only... I could be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit to talk to you so that you won't have to go that route.

I am not looking down on all that you are going through. I just wish that you have greater tenacity to hang on to God to see His goodness through and through.

My heart goes out to you. I know what it means to struggle and fall. I know it's never easy. Whatever we suffer, it is for a reason that we suffered. And I hope you can comprehend it. 

What would it be 10 yrs down the road? Just a haunting memory or a sense of victory.

As I pray, I see you as a picture of overcoming victory. Pls, I pray, bring it to pass.