This is so gross!

I am totally disgusted and grossed out!

I am standing at 1.67m tall and weighing only 45kg now!!!!

What happened man?! The last time I weighed that light was probably when I was 17?! *faint*

I must thk of smthg to gain weight. But how to when I have no appetite....

I can't believe this. It must hv smthg to do with the moon and the sun and the gravity. Am I talking sense even? Gosh. Totally grossed out by this. I must start my "stuffing" session later. "stuff" myself with my xing zhou mee fen and potato chips. How abt another MacD sundae? Hmmm. I must do smthg abt this. I feel totally abnormal now..........

Stumped

当道歉已经没有用

我还能做什么

而在你转身的时候

我也消失无影

————

Thought of something... Vulnerability.

Those that had been through it with me, will know.

Suddenly, I'm just thrown into it. And I have no idea what's next.

Can I just reserve my rights to have my own emotions truthfully?

_______

IMAGINE.

Feeling better

Feeling better today. It's the first day in the last one week that I have not cried for hours. At least not yet. Ha.

And I'm already very thankful for that.

好美

乘坐巴士经过一条路。
眺望着一片好美好美的蓝天白云。
突然好想哭。
ipod的音乐节拍歌词都为我加油。
就连蓝天白云也来了。
谢谢。

心情好像天气一样晴朗

Tears

It just never stop for the last few days.

It's reserved for myself, my husband, God and within my room.

----------------------------

Broke the news. It flows uncontrollably from everyone's eyes, including mine.

But what I heard warmed my heart greatly.

"In this place, I don't have to be somebody else."

"I don't have to be afraid of who I am and what I can say."

"I am always very proud of my leader. I go around telling people my leader is Yvonne. I know I am in good hands."

"I changed a lot and grew a lot here."

"From just attending CG as just another routine, to really enjoy one another here and looking forward for one another's fellowship."

There is just so many of those heartfelt words from these boys. It's the most moving sight to see all the guys tearing and saying the good and bad of the CG.

Even a new friend was very moved and challenged to want to do smthg for the CG in these last 9 weeks.

I know all of us are so heartbroken to know that we are supposed to disband by Dec if we dun multiply.

I know I have done what I felt I needed to do with these boys' lives. Now it's up to them to fight for one another. It's a tough fight. Half of them are having O levels. But I feel the determination in their hearts as they prayed for the CG. 

They have grown up. I have done what God has placed in my heart to do with them. It is enough. Just not enough for my own.

Wish list?

Different ones have been asking... Most of which have been bugging Vic for it. But he bugs me for it too!!

Seriously, I dunno what I wanna wish for.

Sarah specially brought twisties and chips to adult camp for me have been enough for me actually. Already felt very loved. Ha. Thanks Sarah. :)

It seems like a yearly affair that I remember this. Like a ritual, the memory of that one birthday gift would be brought to my mind each year during my birthday. It's still the best gift. I dun quite understand too. Just very simple yet it etched deeply in my mind and heart. Reason is simple too. Cos I birthed and loved them with all my heart, yet I lost them prematurely. What's left is the lingering tinge of sadness telling me that I am still living.

So what do I want? I dun mind LV bag or wallet or pouch. HA! Or what about the Coach pouch that I so covet for? Hmmm... Time to devise an evil plan to steal my sister's one. O, I gotta preach to myself the sermon again. HEH HEH. Or how about Lowe bag? Ok. Ok. Enough of branded goods. Let's talk about Xbox, Play Station and Hi-Fi set... Are you sure you still want to know what's my wish list? Cold feet liao right? HA!

I am a simple person. Buy me anything that you think is suitable and nice for me. Students, seriously, you can just buy me tidbits and I will be OVER THE MOON for the whole month. And Miss Chang-Er would have been able to return to earth and her lover for a month. LAME. Working adults, get me anything that you think i shld try or suits me. I am willing to try. At least it gives surprises. :) What is birthday without surprises? Haha. 

FYI, the NUMBER ONE turn-off gift for me has always been VOUCHERS. No one has overthrown that yet. Dun give me vouchers and ask me to choose my own present! That's how different I am from Siang and my Sis. I'm rather impractical(?). But if you are talking about LV/Gucci/Lowe/Chanel vouchers it's a different thing. That would certainly make my brand-conscious hubby reali happy. Ok ok. For my hubby's name sake... it shld be "That would certainly make my hubby reali happy cos he reali likes his wife to be wearing branded stuff all the time." That's my hubby. Does all guys think like that? Hehe. But I am happy as long as he's happy. 

Ok. Does this post give you a slight idea what to buy for me? Beyond all the material stuff, pls pray for me and my online biz to prosper too!! Anyone that has thought of buying me anything has already make me feel very good. Thanks all!!

God is good.

I'm very curious

I'm very curious to find out. It is where rubber meets the road. As my dear friends, i trust that you will be truthful to me.

Have my blog entries ripped your faith apart?

Have my sharing stumbled you?

Or have I encouraged you?

Or have I led you to thoughts and revelation of how good God is?

Pls be truthful. You can PM me if you are comfortable that way.

_____

Frankly, I find it rather absurd to think that anyone would feel so discouraged after reading my entries. FYI, some close to heart entries are limited to people who are supposed to be closer. Well, at least I know now, some are simply not that close after all.

As I write, I feel sad. But this will not stop me from blogging. The day I decided to blog, I told myself I am doing this for a purpose. I may not be able to preach to a great congregation, but I can preach with my life.

Having know me all these years, you judge. Have I fallen? Am I not still standing after all that I have been through? The torment I used to live with before i came to CHC. The issues that I had to deal with after coming CHC. The depression I had to handle while on staff and in SOT? The learning process (or the overcoming process, I call it) that I had in handling admin and ldrs. The health issue last year.

Am I not still standing? Am I not?

I may look weak, and share abt my weaknesses but I am definitely not weak.

If you want to abound, you need to also know what it means to abase. Cut the crap about looking and being strong all the time. I have no short of weaknesses but I am not a weak person. 

After all these years, I see many rise and fall. I am still standing. Why am I still labelled "weak"? Actually, I don't quite care, cos I know I am strong. This time, I won't let go again of what I think is right. I know why I have started and I know what I want to achieve. Call me arrogant. Just let me be this time. How many times have I been found arrogant and full of myself? I have my whole life to prove you wrong and I am not in a hurry. Are you?

Greater is He who's in me than he who's in the world.

And he who kneels most, stands best.

God is good.

Groin Injury?!

Goodness. It's the biggest joke of the day. The doc told me I got groin injury. Something like what the soccer players always have. I was like laughing at it when the doc asked me how long I played squash. "Only 10min la! Entertain a kid. Aiyo!" Really joker leh.

Anyway... Just gotta eat pain-killers and muscle relaxer to ease off the pain. But still cant sit too much else will feel the sharp pain. Dunno why oso.

Vic said this morning that he can feel that I am reali reali very tired. And he was saying maybe I shld ask the doc to give me a bigger dosage of the thyroxin. I just ignored his question. Not like I didn't tell the doc. Forget it la. I just live with it. Sometimes, on the surface it reali looks fine. But i knw in many ways, I got to adjust my life accordingly. More efforts got to be made. But I think it's hard to explain. When i said I'm tired, pp would probably be thinking i am spiritually tired or tired in terms of serving. But whenever I feel tired, I gotta reali consider it's reali my body that is tired. So cannot let it affect me emotionally or mentally. Just gotta adjust accordingly. And when I feel very frustrated, I gotta tell myself it's just the hormones working up. Cos sometimes, I forgot to take thyroxin so I will feel this way. Kinda hard to explain. And it sounds reali reali weird. Haiz. Well, I can only choose to live with it and adjust to it. Can one.

Gosh. It's 10pm already and I am still in the office. I better go home. I need to rest. Haven't have time to do anything for my Miss VonJo too. Gals, keep in view my Miss VonJo store for updates next week!! :) 

Back finally

Back from JB finally... Headed to JW from the 2nd-link for the youth evangelistic mtg rehearsal and then back home to AMK. It's really home SWEET home. No more mosquitoes and houseflies everywhere. But the souvenirs of the mosquitoes kisses remains rather evident on my legs. My comrades would understand what I mean.

But heavy hearted. I need to pray a lot on this. 50% sure. Nobody lives my life for me. I make my own decisions. I take ownership of my own life. Nobody will take pity on me nor give assistance to me. It's up to me. Just got to get up and move on. Yes, it might hurt in the beginning. But how? When there's no one to direct and guide me through. I can only make my own decisions. After all, it's still my life, my destiny.

O BTW, for those non-bloggers that read my blog... PLEASE... Read with a little bit more INTELLIGENCE and WISDOM. If you read it as it is then maybe you should stop reading people's blog. And my blog is definitely not for you. :)  Thank you.

Sorry. Sounded a bit harsh. Just need to say that to make my stand. I have my reason so if you dun understand, ask before you slam me down. You dun hv to be like me but neither do I need to be like you. Thank you. :)

Ok Ok. To soothe this intense tone... Back to the camp. Or rather, a funny incident that happened on the way back. For some reasons, we needed to converse in dialect, mixture of hainanese and hokkien, Boon Kiat had a sudden bottleneck in expressing himself in dialect and he went "wa wa wa wa wa wa wa...." ("I" in hokkien) Well, the whole car of pp broke out in laughters within seconds. Part of it for laughing at ourselves oso in trying so hard to speak in dialect. ha! 

It's a funny trip. I had many good loud laughs. De-stress for the body but for the heart it's still prayers and more prayers. Maybe it's really time.

Relationship

This is what i get from a dear friend. 

Rather kiddish for a 31yr old me, 

but nonetheless, it warms my heart.

This is what you have when you learn to build relationships not ministry. 

And it will last for all eternity.

Thanks, friend. I am ok. :)

More or less

It's more or less now.

Just gotta wait on Him for the right time.

Prayed. Heard. More Prayers.

Prayed for direction. Went CG. Went somewhere else. 

Prayed for someone. Got a sms. Got a hint.

Many thoughts. More prayers.

All things, NEW!

The New Me

(if you can't tell, it's new hair style)

My New Laptop

My new iPhone!!!

Hooray!!! So many new things. All things, NEW!

The end of the 2-week morning prayer. I pray for a new beginning. 

There must be something more.

Morning Prayer

We are in the midst of our 2-week morning prayer at various venues during 7am-8am. We have 2 more days to go before we end this 2-week morning prayer. Took a pic today.

There was really alot of people. Every seat was taken. The secondary and JC students are having school, so you know most of these people are working adults or tertiary students. It's reali amazing how so many would come every morning to do morning prayer. O Ya. Tim came for morning prayer on Mon/Tue on his own cos that day he didn't have any exam. And he's in the midst of his prelims... So proud of him. :) Way to go man!. :D

Personally, I felt very blessed. Though in a way I'm physically tired, I feel reali good. It's a sacrifice to the staff cos many times we can't choose to sleep earlier on a weekday night. It only means sleeping at wee hours of the night and waking up at the wee hours of the morning. 要施才有得。This chinese phrase is usually used to refer to freely giving and then you shall receive. It's not just true in financial giving, but in our way of sacrifice as well. Consecrating our hearts. Setting ourselves apart from the usual is a way to chastise our hearts and to get sensitive to God again. Reali a refreshing experience.

But one thing is bad... Outbreak of pimples all over my face. Haiz. So sad. I thk all the faceshop mask will not be good enough... Haiz. But then still, I won't give up the potato chips that I'm munching away now. HEHE. Yummy. 

Targeting to sleep at 12mn. Better finish up my stuff now.

Celebrating Yieling's Birthday now

Reporter:

The people are in Swensen's celebrating Yieling's birthday with an ulterior motive... to rope in her other half into the zone. And as you can see, looks like it's "contract signed". (look at the handshake) And I am glad to be able to catch this firsthand at Swensen's.

And yes, "V" for Victory, shown in the pic above.

Reporter Yvonne Chua signing off (from all the untrue reporting) 

Me:

We looked so tired and I tried too hard to look sharper. HAHA. Pic taken after the Friday morning prayer. This whole week of morning prayer was reali very good. I didn't reali feel that tired. In fact, i thk I felt reali good especially during this period of time when many things are going through my mind. Need directions and decision. God is good.

The SOT staff and the 600 over students behind.

It's one more week before the SOT students graduate. Rather nostalgic. The pastoral staff were there when Pst Kong laid hands and prayed for all the students. They have to catch it and be launched forth for a greater work.

(I took the photo above with Roy's professional camera. Not bad huh.)

I think God is reali good to me. I was just pondering on whether to talk to someone for advice but i decided not to cos I thk she was very busy. And then ended up we worked at JW business center and out of nowhere she suddenly asked me abt what i initially wanted to ask her. I felt very relieved and encouraged after hearing from her. And happy, especially, when I knw that God has arranged this and is leading me step by step. God is good. 

Well, the decision is still up to me.

Pastor YK looked reali tired recently. 

Feels so busy all the time. 

Always SMS-ing and on the phone. Hmmm.

Do keep him in prayer. :)

Occupation fatigue

Or maybe it's just physical tiredness.

I am tired. Tired of doing the same things for the last 9yrs. I admit that I reali grew alot and learnt alot in this 9yrs. I dislike admin but i'm glad I overcome that some yrs back and started to learn and breakthrough. Learnt different ways of looking at things, including conflicts/tension at work & emotions displayed by different ones. I have definitely grown wiser and calmer. Learnt that I need to find solutions instead of complaining. You solve that problem and then that's truly more impt than grumbling and achieving nothing. Well, that earned me the title "Excel Queen" among the ZSecs. Thanks, I gladly receive that compliment as a little pat on my shoulder for a long journey that waits ahead.

I need to move on. That's the tricky part. Move on to what? I am currently doing admin for 3 zones (YK, VIC, KS) which adds up to 1800 pp. I don't even hv time to even think abt how to improve things in the zone. Just keying in and submitting stuff. I dun like the feeling of being paid to do smthg that even a student can do. I need to thk and improve things. If things are not progressive, i feel frustrated. I don't need more zones and more work. I need more satisfaction. I wonder would anyone even bother to thk for me what kind of satisfaction i would hv doing all these for the last 9yrs. I need progression.

Once again at a juncture of decisions. I am tired. I hope i can sleep away the frustrations but I doubt so. Yet, I know I still desire to serve God here. It's still the greatest honor. Simple things like the feeling I get sitting there marking BS attendance and smiling at each one. Maybe I shld just sit in at the reception and try feeling close again to the people and not buried in stacks of papers and admin.

Directions, I pray. I need to move on. Progressions, I reali reali need.

Feeling good. :)

Today, I'm feeling much better.

Went to NATAS fair with the intention of getting a good deal to go overseas with family in November. But all the packages are so expensive. I think on a 2nd thought, maybe Vic and I wont go anymore. Or probably see if there is any cheap air ticket to go Australia to look for Linda and her husband. Ha. We shall see...

Rev. Mark Conner shared a simple but good word during the FOP SVC today. One of the things preached which left a print in me: "We are responsible to people, not for people." So true. This was what Vic was trying to get into me during the our dating yrs and 1-2yrs of marriage. That was when i was struggling very hard in letting go of pp that chose their own way. Anyway, when I heard that again today, i felt so glad that I had started to accept it that way yrs ago. It wasn't easy initially, but certainly it made me happier in the ministry and serving pp better.  God is good.

Going to eat my chicken wing now. O, but it wasn't Vic that bought for me. ;P And he's eating it now....

Back to continue blog (random)

Haha. I think I must be reali "wu liao". Anyway, I am feeling ok. Just that recently I have alot of dizzy spells and super-tired-but-cant-sleep nights. But i am fine. :) Dun worry guys. :D

O ya. I just borrowed a book, "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult, from my member!! So excited abt it. I shared abt my read on "P.S. I Love You" previously. BTW, I did finish it by the time Vic came back from Taiwan. My first book after... say 15yrs?? Ha. I reali thk so leh. Ok la, that's not including the many Christian books that I have read in the last 15yrs. Ha. So I am going to try reading this book.

And yes. I wanna say this... I was just whining abt how Vic said a STRONG "NO" when I wanted to eat chicken wing on Tue night while the ldrs were having supper together. I was like "Hmp! What's the big deal... Chicken wing only ma. Oso must be so worked up meh." And I was even whining abt it before we slept that night. HAHA. Then today (Thu), Vic bought chicken wing for me, without me asking for it. O so sweet... And just to mention oso, that he went downstair to pick me up when I was reaching home on Wed night after BS class duty. So nice... Hee. But I guess after we have children many of this would change. For a split second, I felt that having no child is probably quite nice. Er. But I still want to have children QUICKLY... :)

Have just been really frustrated recently. Frustrated abt today's CGM. Too tired so lost of thoughts from Praise to Worship to Sermon to altar call. Just dunno why the words are all jumbled up when i spoke. HAIZ..................... Tomorrow is another CGM. I hope will breakthrough. But I'm glad to be able to have a short fellowship with Nicholas Ng and Adam before the CGM. I thk that alone is a good time of establishing something in the spirit. So PTL! :)

Oooo... 3am oreadi. I am tired. Reali tired. I must quickly go and fall asleep. And wake up to a new morning, a new day. God is good.

划悲愤为食量

I still couldn't get over my sadness very much. Cried before I came out today.

Anyway, I have proven to myself what it means to 划悲愤为食量。 Haha. Went to have dinner with the cousin-gang and I reali REALI ate to my fill. I kept saying I was hungry and i reali felt so hungry. It's like in my mind i was saying, "hey! the rest of you dun cook first. I cook first. dun fight with me for food!!!!!!" Haha. Of cos, I am exaggerating a little to emphasize my desperate cry of hunger. Furthermore, it's an expensive $42 steamboat buffet at Chong Qing Hotpot in Suntec, so I gotta eat to my fill right... Hehe. And today, I have my hubby with me, so I am happier eating the though-expensive dinner. HA!

To me, it's not the price of the meal nor the food itself. I simply like the fact that they laugh, they disagree, and they display their excitement freely even though it may not be reali of interest for the rest. Ha... 

I am generally a more serious person. And most of the time if you find me unhappy, angry and impatient, it's usually over something else that I am blaming myself for and you are catching me at the wrong time. Haha... And no use trying to cushion it for me too, I would feel worse. Ha. Weird hor. Maybe, I shld care less about things said or done. BTW, if you still dunno, it actually takes a lot for me to be soooo angry with pp and stay that way. Usually, if I am displaying my anger, most of the time, it's on purpose for a reason. It's very tiring to be angry you know. Haha. :) So dun worry abt me. I forget all the time. But dun take me for granted bcos somehow I'll knw. ;P

Anyway, I brought home many "balls" that filled my stomach till I felt like throwing up. 

I hope I will feel better.

God, I hand it over into Your hands. And can that include the "balls" that are swimming in my stomach? :) 

Love you, God.

Back to work

Finally, back to work after 2 days of being sick. I am still so tired but feeling better. My stomach is also still weird. Not Diarrhea but just feeling weird. Haha. Vic even jokingly said that maybe I am pregnant. HAHA. If I am pregnant, I will definitely be SOOOooo over-the-moon happy. Well, back to reality.

Now, I am feeling a bit bewildered about something. I didn't think that I was that insensitive. But I think maybe it's just that if there is anything so wrong, just be direct and say it. If I can't bring myself to say it, then I've got to accept it and move on. That's probably my philosophy of staying happy. And i didn't think that this has made me that insensitive.

And now, I'm supposed to keep quiet abt it, which means, I am bothered by it but I cant say it. That leaves me with an only option to accept it and move on. :) I can do that. I am ok. But I rather I talk it out. Cos then BOTH of us moved on and not just myself moving on. 

In my relationship with Vic, we settled this from the beginning that even if we fight, we will not allow our disagreement and unhappiness to be carried over to the next day. We will always settle it latest by the time we sleep that night. That is why, we grew in our relationship and understanding of each other.

I pray we will move on in this. God is good.