2007May27-CG fellowship at Airport Mac

2007May6

2007May15-Ldrs Mtg

Many thoughts

Yesterday, I kept crying during svc and even after svc ended. I just kept crying or felt like crying. I felt God touching my heart again and making me so soft in my heart. Not bcos I felt sad that i missed out on anything but I just felt so grateful and honored to be called and part of such great plan in CHC. I am in no way deserving of such a life and purpose but yet He has called and included me in His purpose. Teared again.

I never liked to appear weak to people. God had worked on that when I first came church. Opened up to share and be transparent to my ldr and then slowly to my friends in my emotions. I didn't realise that I had closed up and walked back to my old self.

I still remember that God spoke to me during my EOY CGM abt being vulnerable and i cried almost uncontrollably in the CGM. Felt so so weird and uneasy. But God tugged at my heart to be vulnerable. Went home, disturbed. Ya. Disturbed. I dun understand why i muz look so weak. Couldn't understand yet felt that's what it should be. Now, i kinda understand.

If I can't appear weak, I can't appear strong too. If I can't appear angry with sin and faults, I can't appear happy with successes too. No wonder many times i feel so stupid. When I am actually very happy for someone or smthg but somehow I dunno why I can't express it correctly or fully. I will just keep quiet or not say much. Then I will feel so stupid after that... Ha. I gotta learn to express myself correctly again. Give me time. I will change.

Still got so many things to say. Anyway, I am just so grateful and thankful to God.
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Friend, I wish you were there in svc yestrdy. I am sad and grieved. Yet I trust in God as all things are in His hands and in His timing. I hope that one day we will stand rejoicing together again.