High Tea @ Goodwood Park Hotel

Transparent?

Ya. Wonder why? I was wondering why too...

Went to have high tea with Xiang, Roy and Wenling this afternoon. So "tai-tai", except for the presence of a male counterpart, Roy. Haha. 

Roy said my blog is so "TRANSPARENT" and he seemed rather amused or shld I say amazed by it. But I felt aroused by that comment that I bothered to think of it while on the way home. 

I don't think I always sounded negative leh. And I definitely don't "scold" pp on my blog right. I also dunno what he was trying to say. I thk maybe it's cos I openly share my thoughts bah. And I hope I certainly have not stumbled anyone here. 

You aren't right? 

Hmmm... I am not weird right? Haiz. But blog is blog about yourself right? Aiyo...

Anyway, the main reason why I blog is bcos, I'm a rather short-term memory person. I forget things all the time. And it seems that there is this "disk-defragmenter" or disk-cleaner" that will run in my mind automatically everyday to clear space for other input. Ha! So I better blog it down before I forget. And I am serious, not joking. I reali forget stuff too easily.

As I am in the midst of reading this book, P.S. I Love You, I felt all the more the need to blog down my memories. Felt alot as I read and it seems I'm beginning to love to read... My mind was just so engaged into the story and development that sometimes I would smile to myself or even frown as I read. Sometimes, it's like I wondered off to Ireland into the story. Maybe, I'm Sharon, Holly's good friend. Or I am Holly, whom the story revolves around, abt her coping with the loss of her husband.

Oops sorry. I just like the story too much, that I am wondering off to talk abt it. But it just makes me feel like I needed to remember the memories. Many times, I would imagine if I woke up to a Singapore that has no vehicle, no other pp ard except myself, what would it be like? Maybe I will feel excited about being able to walk AMK Ave 1 without worrying the on-coming vehicles. I can take my time to walk the streets in Orchard and nobody to bother me for deadlines that I have not met. No phone calls. Nobody. But that would be so scary. And what would I remember abt my dear husband, my family and my friends? I would miss the display of their absurd personality and deafening laughters.

Sometimes, I will imagine if Vic is not around anymore, what would I remember about our times together. I am seriously hopeless in remembering stuff. I don't remember any details of any show we watched together before. I don't remember where we had been to before when we were dating. I don't remember which restaurant we went to before he proposed to me. I hardly remember much. That would send a chill down my spine. So scary. It's definitely not bcos I love him little. Well, blame it on that "disk-defragmenter" and the "disk-cleaner" that were installed in me somewhere along the line. HAHA.

Well, that is why I love to blog abt Vic (especially Vic), my family and my friends. I love them and I want to remember the good times we spent together, the grieving moments we had and the sacrifices we've all made for God and this House. 

I wish I have photographic memory to remember everything all the time.

Am I transparent? I hope I can be more transparent actually. :)

Family High Tea for Joanna's birthday

Start:	Jun 28, '08 3:00p
End:	Jun 28, '08 4:30p
Location:	Marriott Hotel

Melissa's Wedding

Start:	Jun 28, '08 2:00p
End:	Jun 28, '08 5:00p
Location:	Singapore Arts Museum

Benedict and Linda's Wedding

Start:

Jul 5, '08

Is it "I am innocent" or "I have loved"?

Num 5: 5-7

"God spoke to Moses: "Tell the People of Israel, when a man or woman commits any sin, the person has broken trust with God, is guilty, and must confess the sin...""

Num 5:11-15

"God spoke to Moses: "Tell the People of Israel, say a man's wife goes off and has an affair, is unfaithful to him by sleeping with another man, but her husband knows nothing about it even she has defiled herself. And then, even though these was no witness and she wasn't caught in the act, feelings of jealousy come over the husband and he suspects that his wife is impure. Even if she is innocent and his jealousy and suspicions are groundless, he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of two quarts of barley flour for her. He is to pour no oil on it or mix incense with it because it is a Grain-Offering for jealousy , a Grain-Offering for bringing the guilt out into the open.

A battle broke out within me as I read the passge...

In a state of "shock" as I read this passage on the bus to expo. Just as I was re-reading the passage in disbelief, I felt a tug at my heart and it's like God dropped this in my heart: "When the wife knew that a certain behavior will cause his husband to be in jealousy and yet she would still do it, isn't she guilty? Bcos she has not acted in love toward her husband, the one whom she has vowed to love and to cherish as long as they shall live."

I sat in a daze with these thoughts running through my mind. The "righteous" part of me was justifying: "But if I know I did not sin and my conscience is clear, isn't it good enough?!! I mean, I don't have to feel bad right?! Bcos the fact is I did not sin. So WHY should I feel as if I have sinned. Afterall, I can't control how he feels..." blah blah blah...

Yet, as I pondered over the thought that God had dropped into my heart, I am more and more convinced that it is reali not about whether you are right, it's about whether you have loved.

When I was young, I had always felt that my parents do not understand and was too controlling. I think all children feel that way when they were young. Ha. Well, their intentions may be to protect me and it is good, but their methods had incurred an adverse response from me. They were "guilty" in my eyes, whether or not their intentions were good. It was only when I brought them before God for forgiveness, for me to forgive them, I could not reali reconcile with the anger and ultimately understand their love. 

As we grow up, we also forgot to consider our own ways, resulting in adverse response from others. And, sad to say, we used the same reasoning that "our intentions were good". This is so amusing. I was silently "laughing" at myself when I was thinking abt all these.

Love seeks the best for the other. Even if you are pure in your motives and reali had not sinned against your loved ones, you have already stumbled the faith and trust in your relationships.

Intentions alone do not give us the right of way in doing what we feel is right. The bible says that if even what we eat stumbles our brother, we should choose not to eat it for his sake. What more in the rest of our conduct, and especially toward the one we loved most?

Well, the Word of God always win in a battle.

I have loved.

I miss you...

Haiz... In 6 hours' time, Vic will be leaving house to go to Changi Airport, board the plane, head to Taiwan and stay there for 15 days!!!!

Today, we took leave so that we can spend some time together... Went for a movie, The Incredible Hulk, at Junction 8. I think it's very nice, but he thinks it's predictable. O well, maybe I only needed entertainment not some intelligent show. Then we walked ard and finally ended at a Japanese restaurant in AMK. Ate to our fill and i commented, I was really full...... He said he's happy that I am full. Hmmm... Full = fat stomach!! Haiz.

Anyway, we decided to walked back from AMK hub to Ave 4. That was like 3 bus stops away. I like walking with Vic like tis. Maybe it's under the influence of my parents, I always think that walking with someone I love is a romantic thing. Haha. That was why I made him walked with me from Orchard to Holland when we were still dating many years back. I think that took us 2 hours. HAHAHA...

But it's really the most romantic thing to me. While I was thinking about this romantic thing, standing at the junction waiting for the green man to signal us to walk on, I felt I miss him so much already...

Another 5hr 30min, he will be out of the house to Taiwan.

P.S. I Love You

Wow. Couldn't believe that I was actually enjoying the book, P.S. I love You, just now. Though I'm only at page 53, i am already very amazed that I enjoyed it and at some parts i was almost touched to tears. Haha. All these readings happened while traveling to my parents' place and back home on the bus. I couldn't even remember the last time I read any novel. Something must be reali wrong with me...

Anyway, the zone ldrs had a Father's Day celebration last Tuesday with Pastor and again on Sunday, some of us went out for a dinner with him. Some pictures...

We had a great time of fellowship together as usual. Everybody just catching up with one another on work, hobbies, interesting happenings. Nothing spiritual. Yating's detox experience at a place interested many especially the guys. It cost $500 per time. $500!! All the guys said they want to join in the next detox available! Reason being... Yating's sister lost 5kg at first appt, and 2.5kg subsequently for the next 2 appts. Yating's face was sort of "whitened" or Pauline's description "PALE". Ha. And her thigh slimmed down by 1cm which according to Vic was ALOT. So everybody was in amazement, except for the gals. Most of the gals were very cautious about it. We were not among the excited ones. So we have more vain guys than gals in the zone??? Hee..

We moved on to HK cafe at East Coast Beach. We had a hilarious time... Sooo much jokes and nonsense. Haha... 

Why was I laughing so hard??? Vic was "complaining" about me having to blog so much about him especially my recent post on my lost offering. Vic: "很多人读她的blog know alot about me. A, sometimes when I read suddenly i also know more about myself!" HAHAHA....

At the end of the fellowship, we took some group photos... And DO TAKE NOTE of Melvin... (he looked exceptionally.... _ _ _. Pls fill in the blank yourself. :p) Vic:"A. Your "Carlsberg" all become capital letter liao ah!!" HAHAHA............ Ok. He was and should be still protesting about this photo.  (See Mel, we said we love you so much we always talk about you.... ;p)

And while we pose for photo above... The lady helping us said: “看不到那个美女。” So all of us turned behind and wonder who's the 美女, then Shilin said:"是我。" Almost immediately, Melvin, pointing to the camera the lady was holding, said: "小姐你的影像很模糊huh!" O gosh... that sets us into laughters again, including the lady that was helping us with the photo-taking. hahhahah.... And we still couldn't see the 美女 in the photo above. HEE.

It's reali fun to grow up and to live life with this bunch of people. The book, P.S. I Love You has this statement... "Sometimes it's about living life one letter at a time." Sometimes, it's reali the relationships that matter and living life together.

Wonderful week

Today is the last day of the morning prayer at 7.30am-8.30am for this week. It has been fruitful even though tired.

A few revelations that I had during these few days of prayer...

The first shall be the last.

The missing offering

Tot of something that happened a few weeks ago which I wanted to blog on but didn't get to...

On usual Tuesday, CGLs will submit their CG offerings to me if they had forgotten to drop it in the dropbox during the weekend. So one of the CGLs came to pass me Pst YK's CG offering. And after he signed and I put it into my bag, i made a mental note cos the offering envelope was very THICK.

The next day, when I got to office, I took out all the envelopes of offerings, and counter-check the offerings with my record. And lo and behold, Pst YK's offering was MISSING!!! I poured out everything in my bag and checked my file, but I just could not find it!!!! Ahhh.... Where has the offering gone to? Did I dropped it? Has someone taken it? Gosh. There was simply no way I dropped it bcos I did not open my bag after I put the offerings into my bag. Nobody has the chance to take it either. I didn't leave my bag for more than 20sec even. So WHAT HAPPENED?!!! Haiz. I only prayed that it must be somehow at home. The offering is probably about $800!! I can't lose it la. How to pay... I wanted to sms Vic, but bcos he was in Taiwan I didn't want to disturb him. 

I got home that night. Looked on the floor and the place where I put my bag, NOTHING. Can you imagine "DROP" in my heart? But for some unknown reason, I turned and take a look at the area again, and I FOUND the offering slotted in between some clothes!!!!!!!! WHY?!! I was so puzzled but I was simply too relieved to think more. Phew....

Then one night which was already a few days after Vic came back from Taiwan, Vic suddenly asked me, "You saw the offering right?" I turned and looked at him with that inquiring look. And he continued, "I knocked your bag over and the offering dropped out. So I slotted it in between the clothes. A, how come I didn't put it in the bag huh?" AHHHH... That's the cry in my heart at that moment. 

The next morning, this incident was brought to my mind while I was in the toilet. If I had smsed Vic when I realised the offering was gone, I wouldn't need to go through the episode since he already knew where it was. Hmmm... Many times, we delay in talking to the One who loves us most and we just go on worrying on something when He already has the answer. And this thought just kept coming to my mind for the last 2 weeks reminding me to go to Him who loves me most, and stop worrying about things. God is good.

The Showdown (13 June 2008)

We went down to Pasir Ris Park to have our WL's very own "The Showdown".

The leaders and referees reached at about 10am and the sky was filled with dark clouds, warning of a heavy downpour. Then we started to pray in our hearts. Barry tried to be "funny" by singing "Rain Down." Well, I countered it with "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine." And I won!! The sun shining so brightly later. Well, I believe you can oso imagine Barry saying this in the middle of an unblocked field:"Yvonne, you sang the WRONG song." HEEEEE....

We had an AWESOME time together. It was a little slow moving in the beginning for settling the teams and getting consent & Indemnity forms in. But I think the members really had a great time at the telematch. It was rather challenging for some of them.

We had stations that needed them to eat stuff like the big onion, bitter gourd, lemon (with skin on!)... Then there was also a station that involved 2 person. One blind-folded trying to wash the hair of the other using solutions like ketchup, thousand island sauce, dark soy sauce, sesame oil... O man... GROSS.

And I thk the worse for all the members is the last part where they had to break open a watermelon and finish everything including those that were spilled on the grass! GOSH. A few of the teams were really very gang-ho. They reali ate everything and after confirming their team position, they puked out the really erks watermelon. Hmmm... Probably, it will take some time before they will delight in having watermelon for dessert. Haha.

A little breakthrough...

Ok.. It's Saturday again. I am lazing and stoning while doing BS class duty. So might as well blog...

On Friday, WL subzone had our Men & Women's meetings in the afternoon and prayer meeting at night. Well... I was told that I had to preach in the women's meeting cos Wenling is busy with her work. Ok. What's so difficult for someone that has gone thru SOT and being a CGL for 9-10yrs, right? WRONG.

Frankly, I was HIGHLY stressed out by it. Literally, I felt STRESS just at the thought of it. Even till Friday 1am, I was still living in denial. I tried to ask and confirm again that Wenling can't make it and I reali had to preach. Haiz... So i started to prepare the sermon from 1am onwards, and i didn't go to sleep till 5am. I was stress stress stress stress stress!!! 

We are in our 21-day prayer, so I was spending time to pray before i go on thinking about this women's meeting. During my QT, I was reminded of something that happened some 8yrs ago, which took me to the pit of depression for 2 yrs. 

Well, the truth is, i am actually someone that is rather afraid of public speaking. So it actually took alot for me to become a CGL initially. And in SOT, i was supposed to preach in preaching tests and it was VERY STRESSFUL for me. And then one fine day, I was supposed to share a morning devotion during SOT. I was FREAKED OUT by that. Literally. I really freaked out on the inside. But I was on staff, and I didn't want to 丢 Pst YK's face, so i just had to do it. I spent one week praying for what to share and I even fasted if I didn't remember wrongly.

Actually, I knew what I wanted to share. But I was reali fearful and insecure. I went on and shared on something (I don't remember exactly what I shared already.) I did VERY BADLY. I came down and my classmates were very kind. They told me it was very good. But I was shivering on the inside to know if it was good or not. Then we went for our SOT lessons taught by Dr. Kevin Dyson. During our lesson break, I was called to have a talk with a SOT staff. I was scolded and "accused" that I did not prepare for the sharing and I brought shame to the church, especially when Dr. Kevin Dyson was here to listen to the morning devotion. I CRIED like CRAZY. The words cut like a sharp knife tearing the already poor esteem into pieces. I was brought back into struggling with public speaking. 

After every CGM, I only felt worse about myself. I went deeper into depression. I shared with Pst abt what was said but he had no comment on it and I felt worse. It didn't stop there. While i was still trying to pick up the pieces, I was told that I am one of the few short-listed and given a chance to be auditioned to share on SOT graduation. What a joke!! It was NOT GREAT HONOR AT ALL! I freaked out even more. I tried to reject it this time, but i was not given a choice. I HAD TO DO IT. By then, my self-esteem was down to the minimum. Haha. And so I stood before Pst Tan, Pst Derek and the rest of those short-listed and preached the WORST time that I had ever preached. Sorry, I think I didn't preached. I presented a point with stammers and a shivering voice. By the end of it, my esteem had become zero. And for the next few years, every time I had to preach, or conduct admin mtg, i shivered in fear. Yes, I shivered on the inside when I speak. The leaders always tot I was fierce all the time, but the truth is, I was very fearful and just trying to retain the shattered leftovers of my dignity. I was just trying to protect myself.

After so many years, I had sort of forgotten abt it. You know, when you get certain pain over and over again, u sort of get numb towards it but it doesn't mean that there isn't a problem. So I sort of got numb on it, but still some thing has never been made right. 

Ok. It's Friday, D-Day. And it's as if my fears were not enough... I woke up with severe abdomen cramps that caused me to puke a few times. Literally, sweat was dripping down from my chin and all over my body. "What a day...", I tot.

It was only at the beginning, conducting a quiz before I started on my sermon, and my ears were blocked. HAIZ. Aiyo... I was so annoyed by the sound (I was using mic) and my ears being blocked. Then I went breathless. Ahhhhh... Halfway through, I wish Adam-the-magician can just come and make be disappear from the room. Or I can bury myself somewhere. But i knew, this is of no coincidence that I was placed in such a situation. I had to confront my fears and breakthrough. The meeting ended with an altar call and prayers.

I really wanted to know how I did, but I have very nice friends and usually they are just too kind and would only tell me I did well. Yieling said I did well. But somehow, my heart can't really agree with it. Yes, there's a problem with my heart not with what she said. Then later, one of the members in the women's mtg, Wai Teng, told me that I shared something very in-time for her, etc. I really felt encouraged to hear that. Well, at least ONE person was blessed. It's good enough.

I know I didn't do too well. But I am very happy that I did preached in a combine meeting!! HAHA. At least, I prepared my first sermon after 8yrs! And I really hope that it wasn't just about how well I preached but the impartation of that attitude of having a tenacity and not giving up. That has been my life story thus far, TENACITY. And I am proud of it. 

James 2:17 says, "Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?" (Message Bible Version)

We can preach on all the spiritual stuff but at the end of the day, it must be converted into reality in our lives. God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense. HAHA. 

God is good. :)