What a disgrace?

"God, I'm such a disgrace."

That was what I mumbled during the ministry time at the ldrs mtg last night. The leaders present were crying and weeping in God's presence. Most were kneeling down and in their own prayer "closet" whispering words that only God's ears could hear and understand.

As I uttered, "God, I'm such a disgrace", tears came down and images flashed across my mind. And I cried all the more. "God, I'm such a disgrace." Somehow, in my heart, I felt that I was such a disgrace to Pst for failing in so many things and not accomplishing more. As those words went through my mind and heart, Pst came over to lay hands on me and prayed for me. He said "Let your love fill her heart. Let her know the love that I have for her." I was shocked. Did I hear correctly? Did he pray wrongly? He couldn't have heard me cos those words were only going through my heart as grief overwhelmed me. But these questions did not require an answer or clarification. I know it muz hv been God. God has answered me.

Yes. Many people have told me that I am such a good help and a good ZSec that they have, etc... But somehow, in my heart, i am not reali ready to reckon with the "praises" that pp hv tried to award me. I could have and should have been more. 

The faces of these people that flashed across my mind. I could only cry out to God, "God, forgive me. Forgive me for destroying their lives. Forgive me for losing them bcos of my rash, my foolishness, my fear, my weaknesses." I felt so guilt-stricken as I was still crying in God's presence. Pst preached that Jesus answered those that came for healing, "Your sins have been forgiven you." And I realised that many times, we need to receive God's forgiveness if we wanted to see total healing. As much as the guilt strucked my heart that moment, I cried out to God to forgive me of my sins. I know I can never turn the clock back. I could only ask God to forgive me and redeem every single one of these people. I know God has forgiven me and I know God will take care of them.

Now, I need to start on the "what I should hv and could hv been". It's so far away. So out of reach. I don't even know where to start and how to start. Very encouraged to read on BK's blog abt how he kept believing God and kept the passion for so many years even in the face of others' mockeries. So discouraged yet still passionate. Today, that promise has come to pass. I know that maybe i will have to take years, but I know all things are possible in Christ Jesus. I just hv to keep the passion and not betray the calling that God has given me. It is in His time. I muz believe. "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord." Pro 27:13-14

The presence of God was there to minister to us so easily. No loud praying and pushing through. Just His presence. As we ended, Pst got us to turn to someone we were comfortable with to pray. Vic and I joined hands and prayed. When it was my turn to pray, I simply thanked God for Victor. I know he has always wanted to match up at a materialistic level for me but yet, the deepest needs in my heart and life that no material means could satisfy, he had already met it. And I am so thankful to God for him. I assured him that I'm so proud of him and prayed that God would prosper him and make him the head and not the tail in his house and family. He teared. I think it's only the 3rd time I have ever seen him teared for any reason. He's a tough man and I love my tough man.