Your greatest testimony comes out of your weakness

Well, let me tell my story. I think it's a testimony and I hope it will encourage somebody out there somehow.

I didn't have a fantastic childhood. I couldn't recall much memory of it except those sad and bad ones. And sometimes, I wonder if those were just nightmares that I thought were real. Ha! I dunno but they sure had haunted me and almost destroyed me.

Because of it, I grew up with an extremely maimed esteem. I hated men. Feared them. No way was I able to look them in the eyes. I detested especially those that were good-looking, suave and eloquent. They were nothing more than a lie and a fake mask to me then. If anyone were to express their love for me, i would look down on them as shallow. I would find every reason not to be emotionally involved with any guy in any way.

At the same time, I was very much sucked into lust that were passed onto me. And it contributed further to my low self-esteem. I was a victim and I felt helpless and lost. I couldn't get myself out. I hated myself for the gross lifestyle that I had.

But thank God, He found me. My life was drastically changed when I met Him at CHC. I was set free from lust during one of the bible studies. So since then I swung into the other extreme. I totally abstain from watching mushy, touchy, erotic shows. I couldn't even stand a simple kissing scene in a show. Cos it only reminded me of the grotesque life I had. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore.

Well, you could say, i became "holy". Haha. But it wasn't of help actually. No amount of deliverance sessions could prove that I was truly set free. So I took a step of faith into the first ever BGR that i had at the age of 24. And I struggled like crazy in this first relationship with Vic. I almost broke up with him in the first 3 months cos I couldn't stand this "weird" feeling that I had on the inside. Suddenly, i felt lost and helpless all over again. Well, my present status speaks that I did break through and am now married.

However, it's not like the "happily ever after" in the fairy tales. There were struggles and MORE struggles. It didn't help that I was going through depression during that period. I was confused again. And how do you get intimate when all of it would remind you of a past that had bounded and haunted you? It is reali a step of faith. Every ounce of me cringes.

But Vic was very patient with me. He accepted me, bore with me and cherished me even though I was only taking from him and not giving to him. There were times i yelled and screamed at him for the most absurd reason yet he loved me. I cried and disturbed his sleep in the middle of the night. I threw my tantrums and wailings, all at him. All of it cos I couldn't stand myself within and without.

Thank God it all ended when it dawned upon me that I was only truly set free when I could live out a successful marriage life. Faith is an act. Like a newborn Christian, I tried to do all that I had preached all these years. It's like putting my convictions, values and principles into evaluation and test. To love and to sacrifice when two has become one. My life was no longer just my own. It was difficult but now, i am proud to say that I have broken through. I am walking in freedom in God and in the marriage that is ordained of God. And I am enjoying every bit of my marriage life.

From filth to abstinence to sanctity. Marriage is ordained of God. What God has sanctified, let no one deem it as disdain. Marriage is a SACRAMENT. May God be glorified in every marriage and through every marriage. And may His fear be constantly in your heart as He entrust another life into your hands in marriage. Amen.