A little breakthrough...

Ok.. It's Saturday again. I am lazing and stoning while doing BS class duty. So might as well blog...

On Friday, WL subzone had our Men & Women's meetings in the afternoon and prayer meeting at night. Well... I was told that I had to preach in the women's meeting cos Wenling is busy with her work. Ok. What's so difficult for someone that has gone thru SOT and being a CGL for 9-10yrs, right? WRONG.

Frankly, I was HIGHLY stressed out by it. Literally, I felt STRESS just at the thought of it. Even till Friday 1am, I was still living in denial. I tried to ask and confirm again that Wenling can't make it and I reali had to preach. Haiz... So i started to prepare the sermon from 1am onwards, and i didn't go to sleep till 5am. I was stress stress stress stress stress!!! 

We are in our 21-day prayer, so I was spending time to pray before i go on thinking about this women's meeting. During my QT, I was reminded of something that happened some 8yrs ago, which took me to the pit of depression for 2 yrs. 

Well, the truth is, i am actually someone that is rather afraid of public speaking. So it actually took alot for me to become a CGL initially. And in SOT, i was supposed to preach in preaching tests and it was VERY STRESSFUL for me. And then one fine day, I was supposed to share a morning devotion during SOT. I was FREAKED OUT by that. Literally. I really freaked out on the inside. But I was on staff, and I didn't want to 丢 Pst YK's face, so i just had to do it. I spent one week praying for what to share and I even fasted if I didn't remember wrongly.

Actually, I knew what I wanted to share. But I was reali fearful and insecure. I went on and shared on something (I don't remember exactly what I shared already.) I did VERY BADLY. I came down and my classmates were very kind. They told me it was very good. But I was shivering on the inside to know if it was good or not. Then we went for our SOT lessons taught by Dr. Kevin Dyson. During our lesson break, I was called to have a talk with a SOT staff. I was scolded and "accused" that I did not prepare for the sharing and I brought shame to the church, especially when Dr. Kevin Dyson was here to listen to the morning devotion. I CRIED like CRAZY. The words cut like a sharp knife tearing the already poor esteem into pieces. I was brought back into struggling with public speaking. 

After every CGM, I only felt worse about myself. I went deeper into depression. I shared with Pst abt what was said but he had no comment on it and I felt worse. It didn't stop there. While i was still trying to pick up the pieces, I was told that I am one of the few short-listed and given a chance to be auditioned to share on SOT graduation. What a joke!! It was NOT GREAT HONOR AT ALL! I freaked out even more. I tried to reject it this time, but i was not given a choice. I HAD TO DO IT. By then, my self-esteem was down to the minimum. Haha. And so I stood before Pst Tan, Pst Derek and the rest of those short-listed and preached the WORST time that I had ever preached. Sorry, I think I didn't preached. I presented a point with stammers and a shivering voice. By the end of it, my esteem had become zero. And for the next few years, every time I had to preach, or conduct admin mtg, i shivered in fear. Yes, I shivered on the inside when I speak. The leaders always tot I was fierce all the time, but the truth is, I was very fearful and just trying to retain the shattered leftovers of my dignity. I was just trying to protect myself.

After so many years, I had sort of forgotten abt it. You know, when you get certain pain over and over again, u sort of get numb towards it but it doesn't mean that there isn't a problem. So I sort of got numb on it, but still some thing has never been made right. 

Ok. It's Friday, D-Day. And it's as if my fears were not enough... I woke up with severe abdomen cramps that caused me to puke a few times. Literally, sweat was dripping down from my chin and all over my body. "What a day...", I tot.

It was only at the beginning, conducting a quiz before I started on my sermon, and my ears were blocked. HAIZ. Aiyo... I was so annoyed by the sound (I was using mic) and my ears being blocked. Then I went breathless. Ahhhhh... Halfway through, I wish Adam-the-magician can just come and make be disappear from the room. Or I can bury myself somewhere. But i knew, this is of no coincidence that I was placed in such a situation. I had to confront my fears and breakthrough. The meeting ended with an altar call and prayers.

I really wanted to know how I did, but I have very nice friends and usually they are just too kind and would only tell me I did well. Yieling said I did well. But somehow, my heart can't really agree with it. Yes, there's a problem with my heart not with what she said. Then later, one of the members in the women's mtg, Wai Teng, told me that I shared something very in-time for her, etc. I really felt encouraged to hear that. Well, at least ONE person was blessed. It's good enough.

I know I didn't do too well. But I am very happy that I did preached in a combine meeting!! HAHA. At least, I prepared my first sermon after 8yrs! And I really hope that it wasn't just about how well I preached but the impartation of that attitude of having a tenacity and not giving up. That has been my life story thus far, TENACITY. And I am proud of it. 

James 2:17 says, "Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?" (Message Bible Version)

We can preach on all the spiritual stuff but at the end of the day, it must be converted into reality in our lives. God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense. HAHA. 

God is good. :)